How to Find Love (for Jesse)

axe-body-sprayI wrote this for Jesse. Jesse, you know who you are.

Jesse (pronounced “Jess-EEE”) wrote: “Howcome it’s so hard to find a nice lady to hang out with in this town?”

I had some advice for him.  Here it is.

Jesse, you may need some Axe Body Spray.  It’s great stuff.  Ever since its introduction, I have been enjoying how I get to smell other men’s bodies from a distance.  If the wind is right, I can smell a stranger’s chest or scrotum from a block away. And how sweet it smells!  Women love Axe Body Spray.

I spray Axe Body Spray on my dog. I spray it on the neighbors’ children.  I spray it on strangers in the ninety-nine-cents-only store.  And I’ve even begun using it in soups.

It’s not good to brush your teeth with though.  Your mouth will smell great, sure. But Axe doesn’t actually contain fluoride or electrolytes.  It is, however, gluten-free in case you’re wondering. 

To the haters: Maybe if you guys tried Axe Body Spray, you just might make some new and interesting friends. At least try keeping a bottle in hand as a conversation starter for wine tastings and open houses. 

Axe, Jesse. Axe. And if Axe doesn’t immediately work on its own, maybe also get a Jäger tat.jeger-tattoo

Another thing that works like a charm for me is to sign up for an online dating site and fill everything out, being completely honest, especially about my height, weight, income, and how much I drink. Do that, and also take a current picture which includes the background of where you really are right now and what you’re wearing without any preparation.

Take her to the Olive Garden or Applebees, let her pay for her own food or the whole bill.  Have at least three drinks before the food arrives. And most important, eat the way you normally do.  Women appreciate sincerity.  

The Axe, in this case, is a sort of romantic garnish. She’ll be in love.

Talk about other women the whole time too. That also helps because women are competitive.

Back at your place, put on American Pie or an Adam Sandler film. Chicks love cinema, especially art flix like those.

Go in the other room and slip into your sweats. Then have her sit on the floor so you can lie down on the couch and stretch your tired legs out. Women have a nurturing instinct.  Understanding women will help you find and keep the love you and she both deserve.

fridgeAsk her if she minds getting you a beer from the fridge. When she tells you you’re out and there’s only old Jack-In-The-Box in there, ask her to run to the store and get you a few forties of Hurricane, and whatever she wants for herself, as long as it’s under 4 dollars.hurricane-forties

Then when she comes back, your best friend or band-mates will be there. Don’t introduce her though. Don’t make it too easy. Ladies like a challenge.

Next, it’s time to start talking about 70’s rock super-groups and the best guitarists and drummers. Be sure to get really passionate about it too. Or sports stuff. Or construction techniques.

Heck. If she’s a real catch, she might even be down to sit in the corner while you jam with your friends and smoke bong hits! Most good ladies would be.

Be sure to forget her name.  Maybe a few times.

In the morning, having shared a minute or two of passionate love-making, tell her she has bad breath but explain that it’s ok, becuae she has to leave anyhow, so you can eat breakfast and have coffee.

To seal the deal, wait at least six months to text her. You don’t want to seem too desperate. When you finally do text her, just write “sup.”

Jesse, I hope this helps you find a lasting love.  Some details may need to be changed to suit your needs.  For instance, if she’s a King Crimson fan, don’t talk about 70’s prog-rock with your friends. Instead try engine maintenance, or equipment rental prices, or properly venting drain pipes.  The point is that ladies like a good show.  You gotta keeep ’em guessing.  So you need to talk about something that allows her to sit back and be in the front row!